31 Films In 31 Days II: The31FilmsIn31Days-ening

Posted: 16th December 2014 by Couch Baron in 31 Days, 31 Films

Hey, do you remember when (a) I used to update this blog regularly and (b) Sarah D. Bunting and I did this super-quixotic 31 Films In 31 Days project? Well, it’s been over three years and we’ve almost recovered, so we’re giving this a go again starting New Year’s Day. Pray for us (but not to get some damn common sense; that’ll never happen).

Hey there! So it has been even longer than I thought since I posted here, which is saying quite a bit, but given that I essentially started this blog out of frustration that more people weren’t watching Terriers, it makes sense — well, to me — that I say something about the canceled-by-Fox Enlisted, which is ahead of even Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Playing House on the list of my favorite comedies. If you follow me on Twitter or read my stuff over at Previously.TV, I apologize for already having talked your virtual ear off about this show, and for those of you for whom this information might be new, rather than bore you with the details of how great the show is, though (and it is!) — other people are doing that for me – I will simply give you two pieces of information:

— The show’s finale is this Sunday, June 22, at 7PM on Fox. The show’s creator, Kevin Biegel, is passionately trying to save it, and viewership of this episode can only help. It may seem weird to start watching a show with the finale, but its dynamic has been so fully realized from the beginning that, like with any great show, you’ll understand it almost immediately. It’s twenty-two minutes of your time! So you’ll postpone watching 389 micro-short videos of cute cats! (The other episodes are all available on Hulu Plus, and most of them can be seen for free on the Fox site.)

— I’ve been covering the final four episodes of the show over at Previously (the first three of those are here, here, and here), but just today an interview I did with Enlisted‘s aforementioned creator, Kevin Biegel, went up on the site. This dude is about the nicest guy with whom you could ever hope to interact, and if his answers don’t make you interested in the show, I don’t know what will.

Okay, maybe this.

Watch along with me! I guarantee laugh-crying.

So after a break due to travel schedules and recovery from a 2012 that was decidedly Hotness-challenged, I’m thrilled to tell you the ATP Hotness Rankings are back and hotter than ever! For starters, we’ve convened the entire Hotness Council for this one — that’s right; Joe, Sarah, and Quinn are all joining me for an orgy of ogling across the Atlantic. The other bit of news is that we’ve shaken up the format a bit — it’s mostly the same as before, but the new wrinkle is that each member of the Council gets a Hotness Peremptory Challenge. That enables us each to knock out one Hotness-challenged entrant and replace him with someone in his section of the draw, which gives us recourse when someone’s boring, overexposed, or plain not hot enough to the point where we Just Can’t With That. Also, it elevates the general Hotness level — at least in theory, right Quinn? (In fairness, we kind of needed someone to fill the basement void left by Andy Murray’s withdrawal.) With the format tweak, I’m not going to list previous Hotness Rankings, as they don’t completely apply, but you can see them all here: 2011 Wimbledon, 2011 US Open, 2012 Australian Open2012 French Open, 2012 Wimbledon, and 2012 US Open. Here we go!

Djokovic01 – Novak Djokovic

Country: Serbia

ATP Rank: 1

John: What can I say – the man may be from Serbia, but he’s cornered the market on French positives like élan, savoir-faire, and in the last two years, sang-froid. He’s on the verge of making history – again, some more – and with photos like this one, he’s got gluten absolutely cowering in fear. Always No. 1 in my heart; this time my No. 1 in Hotness. [Side note: Rooting for him extra hard after the passing of his first coach, which you can read about here and here. — John]

Sarah: Is getting handsomer, somehow — and I wager he’s one of those who maintains a Cloonily consistent handsomeness until he’s like 78 years old. Yes, I know, “the hair,” but my current theory with that is that he CAN’T fix it or he’ll be TOO foxy and we’ll all die. Like a sunspot.

Joe: As always, success looks best on him. Okay, pilates or whatever he’s doing look BEST on him, not to mention the Uniqlo sponsorship, but Djokovic only gets hotter the more his personality gets to shine. Gangnam Style with Ana Ivanovic? Yes.

Quinn: I’d be the meat in the sandwich between him and Papa Djokovic. What?

Troicki02 – Viktor Troicki

Country: Serbia

ATP Rank: 57

Joe: I’ll admit that Viktor’s Italian Open breakdown/tantrum was a boner-shrinker, But honestly, how far can this little biscuit realistically fall? He’s our Serbian Jesse Pinkman!

Quinn: Shirtless? Oh hell yes. So what if he sometimes looks like a delayed Aaron Paul.

Sarah: Do you know how many pictures there are on the internet of Troicki and Djoko giving each other titty twisters? There are a lot. And every time you look at one, an angel gets its wings. Troicki is my cross-eyed Serbian-Pinkman boyfriend — even with the beard, which needs to go, but I’ll wait. [Insert beard joke here — John]

John: Will never do anything wrong by me (which is lucky for him, as Joe mentions), and seems funny enough that the juxtaposition of the tennis balls next to the contents of those shorts could be deliberate for the shot. As rarely happens, it works on levels both straight and ironic.

Nadal03 – Rafael Nadal

Country: Spain

ATP Rank: 4

Sarah: The coif holds up better on-court than off-, but Rafa’s enduring commitment to adorably Gumbyish presser face-pulling is duly noted. Have we ever seen him and Shawn Hatosy together? Just asking. (Not really asking. We’d have heard John hitting the floor in a dead faint if that had ever happened.)

Joe: So, so happy that the comeback from injury has been as successful as it has. It’s been a long, cold winter without Rafa in these rankings.

John: In keeping with Sarah’s entry, I found the Hatosiest shot of Nadal available. [thunk]

Quinn: The King. No one can touch him. That ass, that ass, my kingdom for that ass. The ass that launched a thousand ships. Gets sexier with age. The pissed-off ‘tude he exudes on the court is hotter with each passing tournament. The only reason I’d kick him out of bed is so he could do me on the floor.

Simon04 – Gilles Simon

Country: France

ATP Rank: 18

Quinn: Rocks the stubble look to perfection; he should teach an online course in it.

John: I have long been privy to the knowledge (via photos, pervs, Lord) that underneath the cute face and sometimes-too-languid attitude lurk abs that could get in a fight with Ferrer’s and win on a good day. Today, the world learns this as well; this is the work we do here at the Hotness Council.

Joe: I’m still in the process or forgetting about that dust-up over male/female equality in the sport, so Gilles will have to linger in my own personal purgatory for a smidge, but much like with Troicki, how far can I realistically expect him to fall?

Sarah: If Michael Cera were le hot. (Hope that didn’t ruin it for anyone.)

TENNIS-FRA-OPEN-ROLAND-GARROS05 – Jeremy Chardy (subbed for Jo-Wilfried Tsonga by Sarah)

Country: France

ATP Rank: 27

John: Haaaay, Jeremy! He may have a ways to go to be France’s top player, but he’s got a lot of good stuff going on here — hair he’s managed to tame while keeping its personality, a mille-watt smile, and that just-right amount of chest hair that keeps it masculine without causing you unconsciously to reach for the Norelco. Great intra-country sub here for Jo-Wilfried Zzzzzzonga.

Sarah: Positive changes on the hair front lately; probably cuter clean-shaven, but if his thinking is that he’s too cutesy without some scruff, I can hang.

Quinn: If Ashton and Keanu had a baby and that baby grew up to be a hot French tennis player, he’d be Chardy.

Joe: Put him in the category with Seppi under the header “Adorable Scruffsters.” Bummed he couldn’t make another deep Slam run this time around, but I have a feeling we won’t need to Challenge him in for future HR installments.

Ferrer06 – David Ferrer

Country: Spain

ATP Rank: 5

John: This profile pose says it all; up top, there are fixes warranted for the hair and occasional chin pubes, but when your eyes move down to the abs, all is forgow#lsdajea*rewajr;iowajeirroj&.

Joe: If I were a reality show judge and these rankings were a week-to-week competition (AS THEY SHOULD BE), I would say that David has been showing us a lot of the same look. Which…he’s also playing some of the best tennis of his career — and finally getting a sliver of mainstream recognition thanks to that epic U.S. Open match with Tipsarevic — so it’s not like he needs to mess with success. But the headbands? Maybe switch up the headbands.

Quinn: Can someone who is close to him just take him aside and tell him to do something about THE HAIR? Can we try a tight-cropped cut for one season and see how it goes?

Sarah: Has all the tools (and by “tools,” I mean “abs” — what is he up to now, a 22-pack?), but the refusal to commit on the hair is hurting his numbers. Just cut it all off, Davidito; it’s not like you don’t have the face for it.

Robredo07 (tie) – Tommy Robredo

Country: Spain

ATP Rank: 34

Joe: I may have ranked him a smidge too high, but I’m just so happy to see him back in a grand-slam round of 16 again. More importantly, the Hotness Rankings needed him. Thank God for Spain, you guys. They grow them so well out there. And even among Spaniard standards, Tommy’s hair is head and shoulders (sorry) above the rest. [Also, Joe, I know you loved Black Swan, so check this out. — John]

John: Eeeee! Although the Council is bitterly divided on Robredo’s assets (there will be a foam-rubber-bat fight at Hotness Council HQ later to settle the matter), I’ve always been a staunch supporter of his fresh-faced looks. Also, there’s this. Also also, although it may not be obvious, his parents gave him a showy name – they were big fans of The Who, don’t you know – and he still turned out awesome. His former coach called him Jack Bauer! Your argument is invalid!

Sarah: El Perdido Mapother. No, thank you.

Quinn: Continues the fine tradition of hot Spanish players who know how to use a clay court. Just please keep the use of the ridiculous sunglasses to a minimum.

Wawrinka07 (tie) – Stanislas Wawrinka

Country: Switzerland

ATP Rank: 10

Sarah: You know that scene in Tootsie where the director played by Dabney Coleman tells Camera One to zoom in on “Dorothy” and the entire control room yells, “NOT TOO CLOSE”? …This. Very cute in a medium shot; otherwise, no bueno. That said, he’s one of the few facial-hair wearers on the tour who DOESN’T look like his beard was shot out of a potato gun onto his face.

Quinn: He obviously needs to go out and buy a Vitamix Blender and start juicing organic kale and beets, and supplement his diet with fish oils and talk to Dr. Perricone, but who cares? He’s so damn hot, and that backhand is a thing of beauty. I’d French him so hard.

Joe: My beloved crater-face. Much like Ferrer, he’s playing the best tennis of his career, and the success looks good on him. Plus, as a bonus, he’s the rare player who manages to look passably hot while striking a ball.

John: Again, how does a man who stands six feet tall come across as so elven? More importantly, how does he pull it off? I might remove my contacts to get safely into makeout range, but I might not, because any private shit-talk he’d give me about Federer would be the best foreplay in existence. Still, Stan, you’re stepping into the overachieving-veteran phase of your career, which means a lot more camera time. The beard’s a step forward; exfoliating will be even better.

Paire09 (tie) – Benoit Paire (subbed for Kei Nishikori by Joe)

Country: France

ATP Rank: 26

Joe: So long as I have it in my power to right historical wrongs, I’m reversing this third-round result and placing Paire in our rankings over Kei Nishikori. Who seems like a great kid, but how many times can we say “Call me when you’ve passed Pre-Algebra”? Benoit, however, is just the kind of French-accented dreaminess we need in these rankings. At least we know in the real world that Benoit can spend the rest of the week hanging at the beach.

Quinn: He’s more sophisticated-cute than hot, like he’d sit around all day talking Camus with you and showing you his poetry until eventually you’d make out with him just to shut him up.

John: Aside from the fact that, thanks to Sterling Archer, I can’t say his name without adding “balls,” I think I like the idea of Paire more than the man himself; this photo makes him look like he’d be fun to wingman for at a gay beach, but also kind of makes him look like a Craigslist serial killer? His on-court temper trends toward the latter, and I’m not sure why he’s so committed to the beard, either – without it, I feel like he’d have a striking resemblance to a particular hot actor, but I’m not going to be able to figure out who it is until he invests in a razor. (For his face; don’t want a Sweeney Todd sitch here.)

Sarah: Enh. Others on the tour do the Sinews O’Beardigan look better — and he might channel some of his on-court fire into preventing his neckbeard from fornicating with his chest hair. Also looks like he feels ways about jazz.

France Tennis French Open09 (tie) – Andreas Seppi (subbed for Nicolas Almagro by John)

Country: Italy

ATP Rank: 22

John: If Fabio Fognini is the Italian who could step off the court right onto a Milan runway, Seppi’s the fratty dude who actually drinks Peroni instead of vino and hangs out at construction sites when he’s not in training like he’s the Italian Jurgen Melzer. If it sounds like I’m being disparaging, I’m telling it wrong. Don’t change a thing, [Italian for “brah”].

Sarah: As relieved as I am that a peremptory challenge replaced Alfugro with this bro, there’s something SO cheesy about the Sepster, like when aging “rockers” finally cut off that ’80s scraggle, but then it’s replaced with a dysfunctional dude version of the Lisa Rinna (see: Bon Jovi, Jon; Sixx, Nikki).

Joe: My little Italian scruffster. He’s like the epitome of who I’d have pined for in high school.

Quinn: Remember when Kim Clijsters and Lleyton Hewitt were dating that time and it looked kinda serious and you were all, “Mmm, I don’t know, you guys. Should that be allowed? What if they had a kid? What would it look like?” Answer: Seppi.

Haas11 – Tommy Haas

Country: Germany

ATP Rank: 14

Sarah: Smartly wearing a hat these days, the better to disguise that floppy buttcrack thing it does in the front when he’s sweaty. Not sure how I feel about the resemblance to Josh Brolin.

John: It’s always seemed to me that people have been gaga over Haas, and I have to admit I’ve never really gotten it. Like Sarah says, the hat has always seemed like a triage solution than an aesthetic choice, and his face looks like it was chiseled from stone — by a sculptor’s apprentice who soon after decided to become a dentist like his mother always advised. But points for being the oldest player to crack our Halls of Hotness thus far.

Quinn: Oh, Tommy, if only you’d done what you were supposed to do against Federer at Roland Garros a few years ago you’d be ranked higher on goodwill alone. But…dude is aging nicely. He’s got a Rob Lowe crossed with Guy Pearce thing going on and that is absolutely fine.

Joe: What a great French it’s been for comebacking oldsters named Tommy! Truth time: During the very early peak of Haas’s career, he rivaled only Patrick Rafter in terms of my hormonal esteem. It seems crazy that he would fall out of my own personal top 8 here, but it’s an uncommonly strong field.

Youzhny12 – Mikael Youzhny

Country: Russia

ATP Rank: 31

Joe: Five pounds of face in a ten-pound bag.

Quinn: I like a bit of rough, and he balances being gorgeous and threatening with just the right attitude.  If he’s that powerful on the court, Lord knows what he can do off it. Know what I mean?

Sarah: Absolutely must keep his lips closed while celebrating; seldom does so. Ranked high by this commentator last time for a certain fratty élan, but his finish this time is weighted…literally. Small salad, Mickey. Get the knack.

John: “Second prize is two stills of Youzhny’s face!” (Special delivery for Sarah D. Bunting.)

Federer13 – Roger Federer

Country: Switzerland

ATP Rank: 3

Quinn: Crying like a millennial who doesn’t want to stay late to work on the executive report because it means missing yoga class; when he loses is just tired at this point.

Joe: I mean, here’s the thing: with a different personality, I’d be willing (eager, even) to look past the Madame stuff. But he has this personality. The one he’s using right now. And once you see that puppet face, you really can’t un-see it.

Sarah: He finally got the shorter, more age-appropriate crop I agitated for for years, and it is a HUGE improvement; it actually matches his face now. Alas, we now have no choice but to acknowledge that said face belongs to a 53-year-old former Interpol poobah who was cashiered for bonking his superior’s nanny at a dinner party. Of course, that’s about a hundred times more interesting than anything Federer would do in real life.

John: Absolutely agree with Sarah that the hair is the most flattering I’ve ever seen it; also would say that even Federer’s trademark brand of self-aggrandizement disguised as “sportsmanship” has gone from hateful to soporific. I can reluctantly admit there was a time I would have hate-fucked him, but now if he tapped me on the shoulder after a midnight twins feeding, I’d pretend to be asleep. Perhaps he’ll learn a lesson about life at some point; you can only wish so for someone who resembles Pinocchio more every day.

Gasquet14 – Richard Gasquet

Country: France

ATP Rank: 9

Joe: Pass.

Quinn: Don’t blow a Gasquet. No seriously, don’t.

John: This, again? I guess I’m kind of gratified that we on the Hotness Council have tracked the demise of his looks so accurately, but his face didn’t jump the shark; it missed.

Sarah: Not much more to say about Toobrownedict Seniorbatch. His hair is vanishing, his serve face is HORRIFYING, and it’s time for a bronzer intervention. Could still turn it around — a sleeveless-shirt requirement would help his cause — but he’d better do it fast before he turns into an actual walnut.

Kohlschreiber15 – Phillipp Kohlschreiber

Country: Germany

ATP Rank: 19

Quinn: Is losing hotness, fast. Put a paper bag over his head and… haayyy that body. Take the bag off because you need it for groceries and… not so much anymore.

John: The man was lucky to avoid one of the Council’s Hotness Peremptory Challenges; he wasn’t so lucky that I happened across this image. But it’s representative of my reaction to him crashing the Hotness Party yet again while not being quite objectionable enough to be weeded out. We’re better off without you, mein Herr.

Sarah: Still rocking the tan, but more inoffensive than cute, and gives the impression of not having genitals.

Joe: In a less-competitive field, ol’ narrow-eyes wouldn’t be all that close to the bottom of my rankings. But a lot of the fug got pruned, one way or the other, and here we are.

Raonic16 – Milos Raonic (subbed for Kevin Anderson by Paul)

Country: Canada

ATP Rank: 16

Sarah: Once you see it…you can’t unsee it.

Joe: He seems like a darling boy. (…who would be your sister’s, like, sixth choice for prom date, but things got weird and she panicked.)

Quinn: Oh man, this is my fault he’s on the list. I’m sorry, you guys, but it was either he or Kevin Anderson and I just couldn’t with Anderson. Look I’m sure Ranoic’s a nice guy and has a great personality… it’s just the face. And the facial expressions on court. No.

John: Quinn did it. (Not that that, ew.)

Wimbledon’s coming soon, but don’t wait that long to witness our shallowness — follow Joe, Quinn, Sarah, and John on Twitter!

Hello there! It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but several months ago I was talking with my buddy Kirk Hamilton, and…what, you don’t know Kirk? He’s a musician (check out his site), gamer, writer/editor extraordinaire for gaming site Kotaku, Benedict-Cumberbatch-scarf enthusiast, and generally all-around awesome dude. Even more awesomely, we came up with the idea of tag-team-recapping an episode of Terriers, and I wasn’t going to waste such an opportunity by covering anything less than one of the show’s finest offerings. Despite that, I did almost waste said opportunity by waiting months to get my shit together, but now that Mad Men‘s done, I am goddamn ready. [You can see when we got started here. — JR] [Apparently I take even longer to get my shit together than you do. – KH] So! Read the rest of this entry »

Hey there! So the US Open has narrowed the men’s field down to sixteen, and you know what time that makes it — Hotness Time! Unfortunately, our esteemed colleague Sarah D. Bunting was unavailable for this go-round, but joining original Hotness Council members me and Joe Reid is Canada’s own Paul Quinn, whom you might remember from his hilarious No Middle Ground stint on the dearly departed Extra Hot Great podcast. Quinn has his own ideas about Hotness, and we’re glad to have him to shake things up. To give credit where it’s due, Joe did all the image and fact research and organization for this piece, but couldn’t host it on his site for SECRET REASONS. So here we are. Enjoy! Read the rest of this entry »

Hey there! So picking up an idea we had last year but never got around to doing, to get our juices flowing for the upcoming U.S. Open, Joe Reid and I are reminiscing about our most vivid U.S. Open memories from over the years. This is Part One; Part Two will go up on Low Resolution in a few days. [ETA: Here it is!] Let us know about your favorite matches in the comments! Read the rest of this entry »

Wimbledon Hotness Time!

Posted: 2nd July 2012 by Couch Baron in Tennis Discussion

Catch up with me, Joe Reid, and Sarah D. Bunting, as we lament how Hotness fell by the wayside at this year’s Wimbledon over on Tomato Nation!

Hello there, and welcome to the fourth edition of the ATP Hotness Rankings, in which Joe Reid, Sarah D. Bunting, and I rank the final sixteen men in each Grand Slam event based on, of course, our own personal assessment of their relative hotness. This year brought an interesting mix of stalwarts and newcomers to the Hotness Pantheon, and there were some surprising shake-ups to our sacred order. In fact, one panelist’s top choice didn’t make another’s Top Ten, leading one of us to throw his hands up and storm out of the room, yelling “I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS!” But after I calmed down, I came back, averaged our results, and, after giggling for a while like a fool, here we are! (Previous editions here, here, and here.) Read the rest of this entry »

Two things:

1. The Trouble With Bliss, an indie comedy I produced starring Michael C. Hall, Lucy Liu, Brie Larson, and Peter Fonda, is out in theaters, on cable VOD, and on digital platforms such as iTunes and Amazon! Although the critics haven’t been overly kind, the film is performing well, the user ratings are great, and it’s currently in the Top 10 indie films on iTunes! Here’s some specific distribution info:

— The film premiered in New York City a week ago at the Village East Cinema, and performed well enough to be held over for a second week, through Thursday 4/5! Tickets are available here.

— It’s premiering in Los Angeles today, 3/30, at the Laemmle Music Hall 3 theater in Beverly Hills. Tickets are available here. I will be around the theater pretty much all weekend and would love to see you! Also, I’m participating in a filmmaker Q&A after the 7:30 show tonight and tomorrow. And tomorrow, my director and I will be joined by the film’s co-star Peter Fonda! Our weekend gross here is really important, so if you live in the area and can make it out, that’d be incredibly awesome.

— On Friday, April 6th, the film will open theatrically in the following markets:

Denver, CO (Denver Film Center/Colfax)

Phoenix, AZ (Harkins Valley Art)

Palm Springs, CA (Cinemas Palme D’Or)

San Diego, CA (Gaslamp 15)

— Thursday, April 12th

Miami, FL (O Cinema)

Salt Lake City/Ogden (Art House Cinema 502)

— Friday, April 20th

— Portland, OR (Hollywood Theatre)

There may be more cities added depending on how the film does. But as I said, if it’s not near you theatrically, it’s on cable VOD everywhere, plus iTunes, Amazon, Vudu, and other digital platforms. If you decide to check it out (or if you already have), I thank you very kindly for the support!

2. I am recapping Mad Men once again for TWoP. First two recaps of the season are up here and here.

That’s it for now — I hope to have some new non-pimping content up soon!

Hi there! I intended to get back to these much earlier, but the fact that the show is now available on Netflix Instant was the perfect reminder of how much I’ve missed these boys. So, right where we left off: Read the rest of this entry »