Couch Baron

ATP Hotness And Queens: 2012 US Open Hotness Rankings

In Tennis Discussion on September 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Hey there! So the US Open has narrowed the men’s field down to sixteen, and you know what time that makes it — Hotness Time! Unfortunately, our esteemed colleague Sarah D. Bunting was unavailable for this go-round, but joining original Hotness Council members me and Joe Reid is Canada’s own Paul Quinn, whom you might remember from his hilarious No Middle Ground stint on the dearly departed Extra Hot Great podcast. Quinn has his own ideas about Hotness, and we’re glad to have him to shake things up. To give credit where it’s due, Joe did all the image and fact research and organization for this piece, but couldn’t host it on his site for SECRET REASONS. So here we are. Enjoy!

(Curious about previous rankings? 2011 Wimbledon, 2011 US Open, 2012 Australian Open2012 French Open, and 2012 Wimbledon.)

01 – Novak Djokovic

Country: Serbia

ATP Rank: 2

Previous Hotness Ranks: 1, 2, 2, 2, 1

John: Maybe it’s the grace with which he’s handled an inevitably disappointing follow-up to his season of dominance. Maybe it’s the adorable (staged or not, it hardly matters) moment he had at this Open with a twelve-year-old male fan. Or maybe I’m just at one of those points in my fickle existence at which his hair is working for me. Whatever the reason, Nole is back to my #1.

Joe: Okay, Novak. I get it. You’re tired of having all this competition at the top of the Hotness ranks. So you’ve re-dedicated yourself to honing ever sharper your unique blend of chic (did that UNIQLO sponsorship) and adorable (fielding gay marriage proposals from the grade-school set). Let no one say effort does not pay off with me.

Quinn: I love watching him play, not just for his skill on the court but mostly because I get to drool over his Da! Don’t not support me. Srđan Đjookovic? Phoar. He loses one point for looking like Windom Earle and that kinda creeps me out but gains infinity points for pissing Federer off during matches with his very vocal support for his son. Novak is the best player on the tour and his fitness level is insane. He’d start shagging you on a Friday night and still be going at it by Monday morning making you late for work.

02 – Janko Tipsarevic

Country: Serbia

ATP Rank: 9

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 5, n/a, 1, n/a

Joe: Welcome home, my Serbian husband. It was a long Wimbledon without you.

Quinn: Ok ok, the glasses don’t work, but I don’t actually mind because the tats more than compensate for it and that broody Serbian attitude is is hot and he looks mighty fine sans shirt and he has a big package. Whatever. I’m shallow.

John: For me, there was no question it would be an all-Serbian Top Two. But I’d love to see Janko try something different with his hair. I mean, flowing-script tats, crazy underwear, alien glasses – how has at least a fauxhawk not happened yet?

03 – Andy Roddick

Country: USA

ATP Rank: 22

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 6, n/a, n/a, n/a

Joe: In honor of Andy’s just-announced retirement, I’m placing my vote to have him go out the way he spent much of his career: atop my own personal list of tennis hotties. Of hotties from all sports, really. Andy, I feel you — 30 does feel like the end of the world. If I was in a position to retire at 30 with my millions and my hot model/burgeoning actress girlfriend, I definitely would. (HA HA HA HA, like Brooklyn Decker will ever be an actress, but you take my point.) For all your years of loyal service, of keeping it tight on the practice courts, of diving all around the Wimbledon courts in white shorts … Andy, this #1 vote is for you.

John: I was never Roddick’s biggest fan, but I respect his accomplishments. Similarly, while he’s never completely done it for me in terms of looks, I can appreciate what he’s got going on. And sure, imminent retirement brings a bit of a Hotness bump, if only for the reason that we won’t be subject to Brooklyn Decker in the stands again.

Quinn: Oh deep sigh. I so would. He’s the all-America boy type for me and I’ve loved him ever since that glorious win in 2003. I don’t give a shit that in some photos he looks like he has Bell’s Palsy; I would be all over it. The fact that he’s a class act makes him even hotter.

04 – Stanislas Wawrinka

Country: Switzerland

ATP Rank: 19

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, 9, n/a

Quinn: I love a guy with some imperfection—a scar maybe, or gapped teeth—and Stan’s bad skin just makes him even hotter.  Incredible backhand and I don’t know why he hasn’t cracked a Slam final yet. Bonus hot points for NOT inviting Federer to his wedding.

John: Even in this field, I feel I must explain my Wawrinka-love given his pizza face, but what can I say? He’s super-fluid and just kind of adorable. (Plus, SO CUTE carrying the Swiss flag at the Olympics!) I think I’ve said it before, Stan, but: ProActiv? Katy Perry endorses it!

Joe: Oh Stan. Even when he’s making a winnable match unnecessarily difficult for himself. Even when he’s slathered his face with SPF-blasting goop to the point where he looks like an Apocalypto extra (not that I don’t get how much skin care is a hot-button issue), even when he’s pulling a Crudup on his wife for the Claire Danes that is tennis—even after all that, I just can’t deny that I would make out with him so hard.

05 – Juan Martin Del Potro

Country: Argentina

ATP Rank: 8

Previous Hotness Ranks: 7, n/a, 4, 6, 4

John: Sarah’s not here, but I’ll represent for her. (Yes, like that.)

Quinn: A lifetime of goodwill for beating Federer back in ’09 but I wish boyfriend would sort out his hair and quit it with the sleeveless tops. Still…Argentine? Check? Tall? Check. I’m all over that shit.

Joe: I try, Juan Martin. I really try.

06 – David Ferrer

Country: Spain

ATP Rank: 5

Previous Hotness Ranks: 3, 3, 1, 2, 3

John: Long after he retires, I’d love to see Ferrer play some mildly dangerous Don Juan type on a Spanish soap opera. What better way to pick up the language? (How do you say “bodice” in Spanish?)

Joe: In David Ferrer, let’s look at the dangers of complacency in the Hotness Rankings. There is still not one thing wrong with David Ferrer. But we’re growing a little accustomed to him, aren’t we? It’s becoming all too easy to take him for granted. Shake it up for us, David! Maybe a new haircut? Some on-court horseplay?

Quinn: I spent most of the 90s falling in love with Spanish tennis players (Alberto Berasategui, I’d still gay-marry you) and it pains me that Rafa’s knees are acting up again causing me not to write sonnets to that ASS, but Ferrer does nothing for me. Is it the George Michael 80s hair? Probably.

07 – Marin Cilic

Country: Croatia

ATP Rank: 13

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a, 6

Joe: The consummate little brother. The consummate mid-tier player, both on the court and in the Hotness Rankings. He’s among the adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable caretaker players on the ATP.

John: I know everyone else thinks he’s gross, and if he were like five percent swarthier I’d agree. But in this field, I don’t know how many people I can put ahead of him.

Quinn: He reminds me of JT from Survivor and that’s not a good thing.

08 – Philipp Kohlschreiber

Country: Germany

ATP Rank: 20

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, 14, n/a, 9

Quinn: When his hair is shaved he reminds me of a lot of boys I would swoon over in London clubs in the 90s, so I have a soft spot for him. He looks like he’d give you a neck message in the toilets at Heaven after you’d had one too many. [I get that reference! — John]

Joe: A big win, especially one over an opponent I don’t love, can go a long way towards making me see you with new eyes. Philipp Kohlschrieber, you’re suddenly looking kinda cute after dispatching of John Isner past last call on Sunday night.

John: Even until a few days ago, when he came back from the brink to oust smoking Frenchman Benoit Paire, Kohlschreiber was, beyond all others, the nemesis of the Hotness Council. But with his late-night win over John Isner, providing another chapter of hilarious disappointment to the on-crack commentators who think Isner is Slam-champion material, all is forgiven, and I’m now more inclined to focus on the positives, such as his ice-blue eyes and under-control hair, than his deficiencies. Gut gespielt, mein Herr.

09 – Nicolas Almagro

Country: Spain

ATP Rank: 12

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, 11, 14, n/a

Joe: For the first time in the Hotness Rankings history, one voter’s #1 was another’s #16. Nicolas Almagro, you’ve made history! That kind of ambivalence lands you right in the middle.

Quinn: Didn’t they used to land Hong Kong-bound planes on his nose?  Who cares? He’s so sexy. Spanish, kinda imperfect, those big brown eyes. He could do with putting on a couple of pounds; gorgeous smile though and he does everything for me that Ferrer doesn’t, which is: keeps his hair short.

John: We’ve done the long explanation. So just…no.

10 – Martin Klizan

Country: Slovakia

ATP Rank: 52

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

John: I’ve seen some photos in which he presents pretty young. But in this Hotness-depleted field, it’s nice to see features that all look like they belong on the same face.

Joe: Another divisive entrant! There’s an NHL-style playoff-beardiness to the guy that I find intriguing, even if I’m not totally sold. But I’m willing to subscribe to his newsletter.

Quinn: He beat my beloved Tsonga (the hottest player on the tour for me and my biggest tennis crush since Mikael Pernfors [Swoon. — John] turned me gay in the summer of 1987). I mean I don’t know what to say here except, who? And fuck off. And he looks like he tried to swallow two rats and they got stuck in his throat.

11 – Tomas Berdych

Country: Czech Republic

ATP Rank: 7

Previous Hotness Ranks: 8, n/a, 12, 13, n/a

John: Tomas, your one bit of usefulness in this life is as a Federer-killer. I invoke RuPaul: Don’t fuck it up.

Quinn: Super-hot with a cropped tight garçon haircut, so naturally he keeps his head covered with a cap. Sigh.

Joe: Here’s the thing: I’d hit it. Sure, the Voldemort-y face, but I’d hit it. But MAN is it impossible to like this guy.

12 – Richard Gasquet

Country: France

ATP Rank: 14

Previous Hotness Ranks: 5, n/a, 9, 12, 9

Joe: What is there even left to say about this guy? It’s Full Makeover time, son. Tyra-style. I want a Mia Farrow cut on him, ASAP. And tooch that booty, gurl.

Quinn: Sexy as hell OFF the court; butt dog ugly on it. Why is that? It’s such a conundrum.

John: Gasquet is seriously pissing me off with this labored Round-of-16 consistency in a period of his career in which he has made up his mind to be decidedly not cute. Go back to the aging French frat house and let us admire some younger replacements.

13 – Mardy Fish

Country: USA

ATP Rank: 25

Previous Hotness Ranks: 13, 13, n/a, n/a, 7

Quinn: Hands up everyone. Honestly could you really fuck someone called Mardy? Mardy Fish? I didn’t think so. He has no upper lip so forget it. But he wins in a death-is-not-an-option match against John Isner, which isn’t actually saying much at all.

Joe: Sad news that Mardy had to pull out of his 4th-round match. Hope it isn’t serious. Get better, Fratty.

John: Poor, ailing Mardy. I wish whatever affliction is currently bothering him had made him hotter.

14 – Roger Federer

Country: Switzerland

ATP Rank: 1

Previous Hotness Ranks: 6, 8, 10, 11, 14

Joe: Okay, FINE, you make kind of a cute dad. But enough with the advertorial propaganda already! Hope you lose!

Quinn: Way too groomed to be sexy in any way. You just know he uses a special brand of shampoo and conditioner for his pubes. [Bought by Mirka, probably. — John] Evidence from Roland Garros that he possess a giant dick (as well as being one) notwithstanding, his behavior when he loses is disgusting. I hope Djokovic kicks the shite out of him in the final.

John: Remember when George Costanza bought the Gloria Vanderbilt glasses and Kramer was like, “May I have one of those, Madame?” I can’t stop saying that whenever Fed’s on my screen now.

15 – Milos Raonic

Country: Canada

ATP Rank: 16

Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a

Quinn: My fellow Canadian! On paper he checks all the boxes:  The southeastern European background, the cute face, the brown eyes, hometown boy, and yet…does nothing for me. I’d rather peel potatoes.

John: Raonic is a shambling example of how terrible posture can render a nice tall frame completely unattractive. (Well, there’s also that face, but I’m trying to focus on this stuff he can control.) Sorry, Canada.

Joe: Oh, Milos. The good news: always welcome to have new people to talk about. The bad news: That hair. The good news: Canada! Hooray! The bad news: That forehead. (What forehead, you ask? Exactly.) Still hope you beat Murray tonight. [EDIT: Ugh.]

16 – Andy Murray

Country: Great Britain

ATP Rank: 4

Previous Hotness Ranks: 16, 16, 16, 15, 16

Joe: Guys, Murray came SO CLOSE to climbing out of the basement this time around. Both John and Quinn voted him a few slots higher than last. I should admit that the hate on Andy has receded a bit after an endearing summer filled with almost beating Federer and then DESTROYING Federer. But I just couldn’t do it. Can’t we swap him out for Serena next time? Because … I’d consider it.

Quinn: I’m working through some Andy Murray issues with my shrink right now. Firstly – being whipped into a Team GB Olympics Frenzy—I was happy he won the Gold Medal. Second, and most disturbing of all, that he looked pretty good in that Stella McCartney-designed uniform! I still wouldn’t touch him with Hilary Swank’s cock, but I’m mellowing on him a lot and no longer think he’s the personification of what would happen if that bat and pig from Contagion somehow did indeed have a three way with a human and then had a kid. [I, on the other hand, am always going to think that now. — John]

John: Honestly, I was rooting for him at Wimbledon, and I was happy for him at the Olympics. But when he plays anyone other than Federer, all the old feelings rush right back. Still, for the first time, I’m not putting him in the absolute Hotness basement. It’s probably because I love Ivan Lendl’s impassive stare so, so much.

We may do these write-ups only four times a year, but we’re this shallow 24/7. Follow Joe, Quinn, Sarah, and John on Twitter to see!

  1. “I mean I don’t know what to say here except, who? And fuck off. And he looks like he tried to swallow two rats and they got stuck in his throat.”

    Slow fucking clap, Q.

  2. Can’t stop laughing over Joe’s description of Raonic – “What forehead?” – HEEEE!!!

    As always, you guys bring joy to my cold, dead, heart with these rankings. Can’t wait for the Australian Open!

  3. This is one of my sad revelations that the end of the slam season has arrived. I’m glad to see Nole on top of (me-fingers crossed) the hotness rankings. It was an even handed description of the unevenly looking men’s round of sixteen. I have no problems with any of the comments here…with the following exceptions: I’m glad Rafa’s knee problems kept him out of the competition as I’d have nothing kind to say about him; when are you guys going to start deducting points on the merits of hair constraint methods [e.g. that thick hair tie that everyone: (Fed, Rafa, JMDP, D-Fer) use, but let us not accept that fey-strand which the entire football/soccer crowd has embraced]?; though I don’t despise Roddick (his trophy wife isn’t helping), he’ll always be Rat-Face to me; did anyone see Janko’s tweet from the ice bath the other day & did I see what I think I saw?; I lost all respect for (and unfollowed) Isner when I discovered his rabid Republicanism; y’all should give some honorable mentions/calibrating standards from the general draw; and LONG LIVE THE DJOKER, KING OF THE TOOCHED BOOTY!